polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)

Transgender Day of Remembrance.

I am a woman, a wife, a transsexual, a geek, a lover, a fighter, a passionate person prone to flashes of anger and bouts of silliness. I love photography, drawing, reading, learning, and above all I love making peoples lives better, even if it's just a smile from a random stranger walking down the street with a camera in her hand. I am human. I am no threat to you, to your children, or to your world. I don't ask for the conflict that my very existance sparks with our culture... I've more than enough to handle without that. All I ask is to be given the basic respect that any human deserves.

Unfortunately we don't live in a world that regularly recognizes our right to a decent life. To many times people don't even recognize our right to live.

Today we remember our murdered sisters and brothers. If there is a DoR gathering near you, please, go. Regardless of if you are Trans* or Cis*, Gay, straight, bi, or none of the above, we need your help, and they deserve your remembrance.

DoR links:
Dolari.net - Transgender Day of Remembrance Webcomics Project
Taking up Too Much Space - How does racism affect transwomen, and why are so many WoC murdered?
Questioning Transphobia - Why the DoR
Transgriot - 412 names in 10 years
Little Light - The quick and the dead Little light on HRC and Remembrance.

And even if you don't visit any any of those things, please, there is something you must understand.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
I've been strugling for recognition at work for almost 4 years now, and I think I'm finally starting to get it. I've always been a hard worker, though not neccisarily the fastest one around, and that counts for something, but what I've always really wanted is recognition for what my true skill set is.

I'm not a maintenece geek. I hate basic admin tasks because they are mondane, boring and get old really quick. Both my current job doing phone support and my previous job as a field tech definately fall into these categories. I can do this type of work, but it's not ideal and I get restless fairly quick.

I'm not really a programmer, though that skill is definatly coming around (yay!). I've always had this problem in my projects that I have this great idea, start it, get into it a little bit, and just... loose interest because it's not actually serving a purpose other than my own ammusement or personal use. I THRIVE on serving a purpose, and hate having goals put in front of me.

What I really am is an inventor geek. I'm a JOAT (Jill of all trades) that can acctually apply what she's learned in new and interesting ways to create interesting results. McGuivering things that people use every day and don't fully appreciate makes me happy. I love creating things, be it the lightweight portal I wrote, or the testing system I just got the go ahead to develop.

I just hope my skills become fully recognized sometime soon so I can actually work on these things every day. Right now progress on both fronts is exteremly slow because I get to work on it about once a week for three hours, and by the time I get settled back into the process of actually working on things, it's time to go. It's to the point that I don't even want to work on some of the issues because they WILL take more then three hours to get anything really done to them.

Anyway, had an awesome meeting with a couple bigwigs today, and they approved my idea for a testing system. Go me!
**does the happy dance**

This has the added benifit of helping me become more valuible to Large Cable Company X (to steal a phrase from http://soylentmean.livejournal.com/) which is good for pretty obvious transition reasons. And oh boy do they need the skills of someone like me... there are so many messed up systems and just wacked out non-functional things that go on in this office... the stories I could tell. And it's not like people arn't trying to doing their jobs, it's just that the different departments have both inter and intra departmental coordination issues. Most of the time it's just the standard left hand/right hand thing, but occasionally it gets to the point where a better metaphore is that the hands are waving wildly in the air, bouncing randomly off of each other and careening into fragile objects that happen to be sitting around.

On a transtion related note... I've noticed that if I forget to take a dose of my 'mones, those are the days where my breasts really ache. So in case the mood swings 12 hours after the last dose isn't a clue enough, my body is giving me other signals to quit doing
weird things to it and stick to a sane schedule.

I wish Lissa were here, but she's out of town for training.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
-langston hughes

This has been my favorite poem for years (followed closely by Yeats-"The Second Comeing".) The deceptively simple and sparse lines are beautifully crafted, their tempo rolling off of the tounge in a slow fall, as if hesitant to show themself for fear of what they might reveal.

I've always looked at it in a social level, brushing on the personal only when I considered personal dreams crushed by culture's weight. I think this is really because I first read this poem at a time in my life where I had no dreams really, no longterm asperations other than to know myself and make others happy, to help fufill others dreams.

In a few years, I met Melissa while looking for someone who needed my help and who completed me. I didn't know that's what I was looking for, but it was. She blew into my life like a redheaded whirlwind, sweeping me up in her turbulent beautiful passion, giving me purpose and drive to actually DO. For 6 years I stood side by side with her, supporting her as she supported me, sharing the deepest secrets of each others souls. When I told her I was trans almost 3 years ago, I put Melissa's life on hold, and her dreams were stopped in their tracks. I hoped that the dreams that she had given me over the years would be close enough for her that she could find herself in them, but this wasn't the case.

Now, probably 15 years after I first read this poem, I have my second full revelation about it. Not only is it a poem about a people, it is a poem about a person, every person. Dreams aren't just what you do or want to do with your life, they are part and parcel of how you live your life and how you love someone. My dreams of a faimly with Melissa wont' ever come true, so I have to put them aside now. I don't know how to do that, but I think I must learn, or do what Melissa has done to herself for the past 3 years... what I have done to her.

The problem with dreams is that everyone has them.. and they can't all come true.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
It's all over except for the fanfare. My wife of 1 year, and partner of 6 wants to draw up the papers as quick as possible. Not because she hates me, not because of anything other then the fact that I cannot be a man, and so I cannot provide her with the dream of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a loving *husband*. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what to do. I love her with all of my heart, and I'm not trying to imply that this is easy for her... its' not.

I just want to hold her and make it all better, to feel her breathing next to me as I fall asleep knowing that the woman I love loves me back and cares and wants me to be in her life as her partner. I think that last thing is really the crux of the matter... I am glad she doesn't want me to leave, and to never see her again. I'm glad that I can still be in her life, be her friends and help her with her problems, but none of that has the same feeling of unity that was the hallmark of who WE were as a couple. Even up to the last, we were in lockstep in every decision we made except for my transitioning, we fit hand in glove and worked so well togeather.

Some of that will remain as we go forwards as friends, but some of that through necessity will have to change. I dedicated my life to her. Literally. I lived for her, every breath, every movement. You might say that is unhealthy, but it wasn't that kind of thing. I did not ignore myself or what I needed to do, rather those became part of my purpose. When I held her hands in mine and spoke the words that bound myself to her by law, it was a re-affermation of who I had been for the past 5 years.

I love you Melissa, and I will never ever ever ever stop loving you. No matter the passage of time, Part of my heart will always remain with you. Time will heal and cover up parts of this, but that one fact will never change. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, in mind, body, and soul. I have not even really looked at another woman since I met you, and I don't know that I ever will.

But as stupid and crazy as it is, I can't help but hold the hope that you will learn to love me as a woman once the pain of loosing me as a man has ebbed. I promise that I will never hurt you, and I promise I will never force you to have to turn me down, but for now I will wait here paitently hoping that your travels will bring you unexpectidly back home to the place you never though your heart would rest again.

P.S. you can't keep me from buying you a valentines teddy bear either so :PPPP to you.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
Last monday Lissa told me that she had come to the realization over the past 6 months and the past 3 weeks in specific that she could not love a woman in a physical manner. She told me that I would never again visit her bed in the same way, and that even though we had spent 6 years togeather that I was no longer desirable to her. I confuse her mind and her body, and weigh down her soul.

I don't say this to judge her, or to be mad, or anything of that nature. I love her to the depths of my soul, and I have failed her in ways other then trans issues. I don't know what my future brings, or weither it will hold her for any length of time, but I cannot fathom my existance without her right now. Since Monday she has been sleeping at her mothers house, and I have been sleeping here at home, or at a friends.

Speaking of which, I cannot tell you how much your hugs ment to me Monday night, and how much you helped me through the lonely first days. I will always be in your debt, and though I cannot name you right this second, you know who you are.

Two weeks ago Lissa looked at me as I sat next to her with my shirt off and gasped "Oh my god hon you've got Boobs!"

Indeed, I do now. There is no real mistaking them shirtless, and unless the shirt I wear is cut extremely loose, my chest looks a little odd. Not feminine per say, but odd.

So as I come to myself, I loose that which is most important to me.

How do I rectify this? How do I give up that which I hold most dear to me, and which has given me the strength to follow my problems and to challange my fears? For if she cannot love a woman, I am lost... I can be naught else. I have thought of turning back in my transition, as I have read many others do, but every time I have brought this forwards in my mind, I shudder and cannot complete the line of thought. I can't be a man. I am not one. I could pretend... hell I'm not a very ladylike person, but I never claimed to be the uberFemme. I'm not and will never be.

But that doesn't make me a man, and god damnit right now I just wish I could be. I want to hold her close to me and feel her hair tickle my nose as I breath in and inhale her musky earthy scent. I want to stroke her smooth hips with my fingertips as I feel her fall asleep next to me.

Instead I lie in our marital bed cold and alone, sure in the knowledge that when she returns in the coming weeks that my life will never again resume it's path. That stream has jumped it's bed, and flows wild and untamed across the landscape of my soul, wreaking havoc as it goes. I have to prepare the second bedroom so that when she returns I can move into there.

I don't want to.
Oh goddess I don't want to.

Why can't I just be normal for once? Why cant I just be happy with who and what I am, and take what luck and providence has brought me? How can I ever have the strength to sign divorce papers when I want to do anything but?
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
Especially as I haven't really gotten in the habit of posting every day or anything like that, craziness in life has really cut down on this journal. I finally got the server access I've been begging for at work, and so I've been concentrating on getting the web page going for my department. I'll possibly talk more about that later, but we'll see. Anyway. I've decided that my prior posts about aching and tenderness sort of early in the process were actually semi-correct. My chest is definitely more sore and more sensitive now after about 6 weeks of hormones. My nipples are definitely more puffy now, and stay that way unless erect, which they seem to do at random. We measured my bust a couple of nights ago, and I have picked up about 3/4ths of an inch, and visual development puts me firmly in the middle of tanner stage two, with lumps under each nipple. The left seems to have a little more growth, but uneven growth is *ahem* normal in many girls. As most tg women end up getting at least a light form of mammoplasty, so any uneveness can be fixed at that point anyway.

This is slightly disturbing in a good way though... according to this article at tg guide, those lumps don't normally start until about three months after starting hormone therapy. Granted that article, like most tg articles still, is aimed more at people transitioning in their mid-30's to late 40's, but my plans money wise and work wise all verge around coming out at least 6 months or so from now.

I guess what happens happens.

Ack gotta run to work.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
If you haven't read the first post I recommend doing so because this one will make more sense.

I went through that entire morning blissfully happy. I went to the consultation visit I had set up with the laser hair removal specialist and back with no incidents, and only vaguely happy thoughts really running through my head. This lasted for several hours until I called my dad to check and see if the plans for a family dinner were still on. While I had come out to both of my parents and my sister almost a year ago, they were not aware that I had gone on hormones, or was even close to doing so. I planned on telling them that night, but because my dad had something else come up the dinner was off.

Long story short I made a mistake and ended up having to tell him and my mother over the phone that I had started taking hormones the day before, which was NOT my plan. Dinner was put on hold indefinitely, and my dad called me the next day and told me that he didn't want to see me any more and that he might be able to talk to me on phone or on the computer.

To say this hurts is an understatement. I've always liked my mom, and I was with her more than my dad during my early years, but my dad really had the formative role in major parts of my psyche, including those about responsibility and caring and duty to your family, understanding and cherishing of differences in others, and many other liberal concepts. Not only did he hurt me by turning his back on me, he doubled that pain by making a lie out of everything he had taught me over the years.

I understand that this is a painful thing to him. According to him I can't imagine what is going through his head. Well he's WRONG. It's going through mine too. He was my idol for so long, there are so many things about him that I loved and cherished and did my BEST to exemplify in my own life, and which he told me he was proud of me for. And now he has turned all of that to ashes in my mouth because I'm not who he thought he was raising. Every thing I have striven for, to eliminate prejudice and hatred from my heart, to love everyone around me to the fullest extent I can, everything I live for still, he made as NOTHING.

He may have lost his son, I lost my father, and found he may never have truly been.

How does this hurt me less then him?

Anyway, this has degenerated into a rant.

Hormones wise, my chest became sore on the 3rd day. I didn't think anything of it that day, but it has remained sore since then, which leads me to believe that my body is already reacting to the hormones. I don't know if this is truly the case as most people say it took theirs 2-4 weeks to start getting sore, but as with everything hormone related, YMMV. Lissa took some baseline measurements on monday, but we took some more tonight (err... Wednesday night....) and it looked like I had gained a half inch. I'm betting this is because I'm gaining weight in general to swivel chair spread, and through variance in measurement types. There is NO way that I truly gained a half inch in chest this quickly.

I'm going to go roller blading when I wake up... I need to start getting some kind of exercise... this office job is great, but my general physical health is suffering from it.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
I should have started this blog months ago, or at least a couple days ago. Either would have worked. I've tried to keep a traditional journal in the past, and have failed miserably because it always seemed to me to be a exercise in literary masturbation that exceeds even most poetry. Please note, I actually LIKE good poetry so save your flames and angry emails for much more worthy topics later. I don't know if I will do anything other than simply record my daily life and thoughts in here. It would be nice to occasionally have a meaningful and thoughtful entry, but knowing myself that won't happen.

I have this incredible urge to write something along of "Hi, my name is ******** and I'm a transsexual." The only problem is that I don't know if I am going to go stealth after transition or not, so until I decide, I'm keeping my name as well as others I know out of here entirely. More than likely I will never be completely stealth... I'm proud of the progress that I've made in accepting myself and in learning and understanding more about me and who I want to be in every way. I hate lying.

Quick background, because I'll fill that in later. I am a genetic male in my mid/early twenties. For the past 10 years I've known that something wasn't right with who I was. I was always having dreams about being a woman, and couldn't get the thought out of my mind completely. I'd shove it down for a week or a month, but it would always come back. I've been in therapy for almost 2 years now because I had a breakdown and sat in my closet crying and wouldn't come out to talk with my fiance (now wife.)

For transsexuals, hormones are a big step. While estrogen doesn't have as much effect on male to females (MtF) as testosterone does on female to males (FtM), it is still one of the most important steps that a woman can take. It grows breasts, shifts fat distribution from mainly stomach to the hips and thighs, and several other highly beneficial things. If you really want to know, there are plenty of resources out there but message me and I'll see what I can do about posting some of those I feel are the best.

Last Tuseday I started taking estrogen, 2mg a day of Estradiol orally to be exact. I have been working to this day for a long time, and I can't believe it's actually here. When I walked out of that doctors office with my wife, and entered the elevator to go down the one floor to leave the building I could barely hold still.

Later in the day, after a few more errands, we got the prescription filled, and headed home. I managed to keep the lid on the pill bottle until I got home, at Lissa's instance. When I finally got home I almost took one right that second, but I took the dog out to pee instead and waited till I got upstairs with Melissa to take the first one. It was important to me because she has been with me for most of this fight, and I wanted her to be there when I started this leg of my journey.

The next day I woke up and took another one, and went to the consultation appointment I had scheduled with a laser hair removal technician. The world was bright, more vibrant, more full of hope. I don't think this had anything to do with the hormones per say, so much as excitement and pleasure in things finally turning my way.

More catch up tomorrow. Tonight I'm tired and my wife is asleep next to me, begging to be snuggled. I doubt too many people will read this huge thing anytime soon anyway.


polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)

November 2009

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