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how do you stop loving someone?
Feb. 8th, 2006 10:08 pmIt's all over except for the fanfare. My wife of 1 year, and partner of 6 wants to draw up the papers as quick as possible. Not because she hates me, not because of anything other then the fact that I cannot be a man, and so I cannot provide her with the dream of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a loving *husband*. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what to do. I love her with all of my heart, and I'm not trying to imply that this is easy for her... its' not.
I just want to hold her and make it all better, to feel her breathing next to me as I fall asleep knowing that the woman I love loves me back and cares and wants me to be in her life as her partner. I think that last thing is really the crux of the matter... I am glad she doesn't want me to leave, and to never see her again. I'm glad that I can still be in her life, be her friends and help her with her problems, but none of that has the same feeling of unity that was the hallmark of who WE were as a couple. Even up to the last, we were in lockstep in every decision we made except for my transitioning, we fit hand in glove and worked so well togeather.
Some of that will remain as we go forwards as friends, but some of that through necessity will have to change. I dedicated my life to her. Literally. I lived for her, every breath, every movement. You might say that is unhealthy, but it wasn't that kind of thing. I did not ignore myself or what I needed to do, rather those became part of my purpose. When I held her hands in mine and spoke the words that bound myself to her by law, it was a re-affermation of who I had been for the past 5 years.
I love you Melissa, and I will never ever ever ever stop loving you. No matter the passage of time, Part of my heart will always remain with you. Time will heal and cover up parts of this, but that one fact will never change. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, in mind, body, and soul. I have not even really looked at another woman since I met you, and I don't know that I ever will.
But as stupid and crazy as it is, I can't help but hold the hope that you will learn to love me as a woman once the pain of loosing me as a man has ebbed. I promise that I will never hurt you, and I promise I will never force you to have to turn me down, but for now I will wait here paitently hoping that your travels will bring you unexpectidly back home to the place you never though your heart would rest again.
P.S. you can't keep me from buying you a valentines teddy bear either so :PPPP to you.
I just want to hold her and make it all better, to feel her breathing next to me as I fall asleep knowing that the woman I love loves me back and cares and wants me to be in her life as her partner. I think that last thing is really the crux of the matter... I am glad she doesn't want me to leave, and to never see her again. I'm glad that I can still be in her life, be her friends and help her with her problems, but none of that has the same feeling of unity that was the hallmark of who WE were as a couple. Even up to the last, we were in lockstep in every decision we made except for my transitioning, we fit hand in glove and worked so well togeather.
Some of that will remain as we go forwards as friends, but some of that through necessity will have to change. I dedicated my life to her. Literally. I lived for her, every breath, every movement. You might say that is unhealthy, but it wasn't that kind of thing. I did not ignore myself or what I needed to do, rather those became part of my purpose. When I held her hands in mine and spoke the words that bound myself to her by law, it was a re-affermation of who I had been for the past 5 years.
I love you Melissa, and I will never ever ever ever stop loving you. No matter the passage of time, Part of my heart will always remain with you. Time will heal and cover up parts of this, but that one fact will never change. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, in mind, body, and soul. I have not even really looked at another woman since I met you, and I don't know that I ever will.
But as stupid and crazy as it is, I can't help but hold the hope that you will learn to love me as a woman once the pain of loosing me as a man has ebbed. I promise that I will never hurt you, and I promise I will never force you to have to turn me down, but for now I will wait here paitently hoping that your travels will bring you unexpectidly back home to the place you never though your heart would rest again.
P.S. you can't keep me from buying you a valentines teddy bear either so :PPPP to you.
