polerin

I've been strugling for recognition at work for almost 4 years now, and I think I'm finally starting to get it. I've always been a hard worker, though not neccisarily the fastest one around, and that counts for something, but what I've always really wanted is recognition for what my true skill set is.

I'm not a maintenece geek. I hate basic admin tasks because they are mondane, boring and get old really quick. Both my current job doing phone support and my previous job as a field tech definately fall into these categories. I can do this type of work, but it's not ideal and I get restless fairly quick.

I'm not really a programmer, though that skill is definatly coming around (yay!). I've always had this problem in my projects that I have this great idea, start it, get into it a little bit, and just... loose interest because it's not actually serving a purpose other than my own ammusement or personal use. I THRIVE on serving a purpose, and hate having goals put in front of me.

What I really am is an inventor geek. I'm a JOAT (Jill of all trades) that can acctually apply what she's learned in new and interesting ways to create interesting results. McGuivering things that people use every day and don't fully appreciate makes me happy. I love creating things, be it the lightweight portal I wrote, or the testing system I just got the go ahead to develop.

I just hope my skills become fully recognized sometime soon so I can actually work on these things every day. Right now progress on both fronts is exteremly slow because I get to work on it about once a week for three hours, and by the time I get settled back into the process of actually working on things, it's time to go. It's to the point that I don't even want to work on some of the issues because they WILL take more then three hours to get anything really done to them.
Arg.

Anyway, had an awesome meeting with a couple bigwigs today, and they approved my idea for a testing system. Go me!
**does the happy dance**

This has the added benifit of helping me become more valuible to Large Cable Company X (to steal a phrase from http://soylentmean.livejournal.com/) which is good for pretty obvious transition reasons. And oh boy do they need the skills of someone like me... there are so many messed up systems and just wacked out non-functional things that go on in this office... the stories I could tell. And it's not like people arn't trying to doing their jobs, it's just that the different departments have both inter and intra departmental coordination issues. Most of the time it's just the standard left hand/right hand thing, but occasionally it gets to the point where a better metaphore is that the hands are waving wildly in the air, bouncing randomly off of each other and careening into fragile objects that happen to be sitting around.

On a transtion related note... I've noticed that if I forget to take a dose of my 'mones, those are the days where my breasts really ache. So in case the mood swings 12 hours after the last dose isn't a clue enough, my body is giving me other signals to quit doing
weird things to it and stick to a sane schedule.

I wish Lissa were here, but she's out of town for training.

Especially as I haven't really gotten in the habit of posting every day or anything like that, craziness in life has really cut down on this journal. I finally got the server access I've been begging for at work, and so I've been concentrating on getting the web page going for my department. I'll possibly talk more about that later, but we'll see. Anyway. I've decided that my prior posts about aching and tenderness sort of early in the process were actually semi-correct. My chest is definitely more sore and more sensitive now after about 6 weeks of hormones. My nipples are definitely more puffy now, and stay that way unless erect, which they seem to do at random. We measured my bust a couple of nights ago, and I have picked up about 3/4ths of an inch, and visual development puts me firmly in the middle of tanner stage two, with lumps under each nipple. The left seems to have a little more growth, but uneven growth is *ahem* normal in many girls. As most tg women end up getting at least a light form of mammoplasty, so any uneveness can be fixed at that point anyway.

This is slightly disturbing in a good way though... according to this article at tg guide, those lumps don't normally start until about three months after starting hormone therapy. Granted that article, like most tg articles still, is aimed more at people transitioning in their mid-30's to late 40's, but my plans money wise and work wise all verge around coming out at least 6 months or so from now.

I guess what happens happens.

Ack gotta run to work.

I should have started this blog months ago, or at least a couple days ago. Either would have worked. I've tried to keep a traditional journal in the past, and have failed miserably because it always seemed to me to be a exercise in literary masturbation that exceeds even most poetry. Please note, I actually LIKE good poetry so save your flames and angry emails for much more worthy topics later. I don't know if I will do anything other than simply record my daily life and thoughts in here. It would be nice to occasionally have a meaningful and thoughtful entry, but knowing myself that won't happen.

I have this incredible urge to write something along of "Hi, my name is ******** and I'm a transsexual." The only problem is that I don't know if I am going to go stealth after transition or not, so until I decide, I'm keeping my name as well as others I know out of here entirely. More than likely I will never be completely stealth... I'm proud of the progress that I've made in accepting myself and in learning and understanding more about me and who I want to be in every way. I hate lying.

Quick background, because I'll fill that in later. I am a genetic male in my mid/early twenties. For the past 10 years I've known that something wasn't right with who I was. I was always having dreams about being a woman, and couldn't get the thought out of my mind completely. I'd shove it down for a week or a month, but it would always come back. I've been in therapy for almost 2 years now because I had a breakdown and sat in my closet crying and wouldn't come out to talk with my fiance (now wife.)

For transsexuals, hormones are a big step. While estrogen doesn't have as much effect on male to females (MtF) as testosterone does on female to males (FtM), it is still one of the most important steps that a woman can take. It grows breasts, shifts fat distribution from mainly stomach to the hips and thighs, and several other highly beneficial things. If you really want to know, there are plenty of resources out there but message me and I'll see what I can do about posting some of those I feel are the best.

Last Tuseday I started taking estrogen, 2mg a day of Estradiol orally to be exact. I have been working to this day for a long time, and I can't believe it's actually here. When I walked out of that doctors office with my wife, and entered the elevator to go down the one floor to leave the building I could barely hold still.

Later in the day, after a few more errands, we got the prescription filled, and headed home. I managed to keep the lid on the pill bottle until I got home, at Lissa's instance. When I finally got home I almost took one right that second, but I took the dog out to pee instead and waited till I got upstairs with Melissa to take the first one. It was important to me because she has been with me for most of this fight, and I wanted her to be there when I started this leg of my journey.

The next day I woke up and took another one, and went to the consultation appointment I had scheduled with a laser hair removal technician. The world was bright, more vibrant, more full of hope. I don't think this had anything to do with the hormones per say, so much as excitement and pleasure in things finally turning my way.

More catch up tomorrow. Tonight I'm tired and my wife is asleep next to me, begging to be snuggled. I doubt too many people will read this huge thing anytime soon anyway.