polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
It's been sort of interesting to me that the more stressed I get, the more I flip back and forth between being deadly silly, and animatedly serious. I think I do this in real life too, not just on the net.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
I have a good bad habit. I make eye contact with EVERYONE. I like makeing people smile or at least acknowledge that there is someone around. I also tend to dislike talking when I do so as the day to day, "How yah doin?" "Not to bad, yourself?" exchanges annoy me. In lew of the plesantries, I grin or make a slight face that contains the same information. Not great way to avoid noitice, but hey.

This morning Lissa was feeling under the weather, so I went to the gas station to pick up some ice cream and soda for her before I went to work. As I was walking back to the car, the female attendant who was taking a break outside the door walks up and made a comment that really made my day, "I hope you don't take offense, but you are too pretty to be a guy."

After I blinked for a second and grinned she stumbled on, "I meen, if I didn't know you, I would have thought, I meen you've got really pretty eyes for a guy, and you've just got that baby face that's soft." I assured her that I took it as a compliment and we talked for a little bit. I've heard the bit about my eyes many times before, well back to when I was a kid, but the rest of it almost made my heart explode with supprize, joy, and fear.

Later in the day while I was talking to one of our IT guys, someone from marketing came up to ask him a question. I swear that as she was greating me, she couldn't look away from my chest. I think I got read.... in reverse.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that there will be rumors started about me before I come out, and that it will make it that much harder to come out successfully. I need to get moving on some of the surounding things in my transition, like voice, makeup knowledge, pure confidence while in girl mode, name change stuff, everything.

I need some kind of hard timeline, and it's hard to talk about it with Lissa because she is already feeling like she's left out of the decision process, and that things are rushing ahead without her. She's told me she can't give voice to the things she's got a problem with, what she needs to feel comfortable, because she doesn't know how to even formulate them in her head.

Recently the closet has gotten really small, and with lots of sharp edges and dangerous rusty objects to stub my toe on. I feel like everyone can see right through this guy facade, and that I can't put up the girl image well enough yet either. I just want to get this over with so I can go on with my life.

YES, I'M Transgendered!
YES, I'm not Normal!
YES, I'm OK with that!

I'm so tired of not being me. I'm so tired of hiding anywhere that's not home. I want to be me, and I'm less and less afraid of the backlash at work. My work sucks anyway, and the last things that were giving me hope there were violently ripped away on monday. I found out that the job I had been fighting for them to create for me was created, posted, and they are doing interviews. Nobody even told me.

I'm so tired of this. It is stressing me out so much, I just want to come out. I want to come in, type out an email to the entire department, and tell them that I am coming to work as Erin tomorrow, see you then.

But I'm not going to. The day isn't far off though where I will be coming to work as Erin. I can't take much more of this half life, shadowed and hiding behind the now tattered posterboard of my male persona, literally hunched and darting parinoid glances around.


polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)

November 2009

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