polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
H/T to Renee. I'm not sure what to say about this yet. Posts coming possibly.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
Last monday Lissa told me that she had come to the realization over the past 6 months and the past 3 weeks in specific that she could not love a woman in a physical manner. She told me that I would never again visit her bed in the same way, and that even though we had spent 6 years togeather that I was no longer desirable to her. I confuse her mind and her body, and weigh down her soul.

I don't say this to judge her, or to be mad, or anything of that nature. I love her to the depths of my soul, and I have failed her in ways other then trans issues. I don't know what my future brings, or weither it will hold her for any length of time, but I cannot fathom my existance without her right now. Since Monday she has been sleeping at her mothers house, and I have been sleeping here at home, or at a friends.

Speaking of which, I cannot tell you how much your hugs ment to me Monday night, and how much you helped me through the lonely first days. I will always be in your debt, and though I cannot name you right this second, you know who you are.

Two weeks ago Lissa looked at me as I sat next to her with my shirt off and gasped "Oh my god hon you've got Boobs!"

Indeed, I do now. There is no real mistaking them shirtless, and unless the shirt I wear is cut extremely loose, my chest looks a little odd. Not feminine per say, but odd.

So as I come to myself, I loose that which is most important to me.

How do I rectify this? How do I give up that which I hold most dear to me, and which has given me the strength to follow my problems and to challange my fears? For if she cannot love a woman, I am lost... I can be naught else. I have thought of turning back in my transition, as I have read many others do, but every time I have brought this forwards in my mind, I shudder and cannot complete the line of thought. I can't be a man. I am not one. I could pretend... hell I'm not a very ladylike person, but I never claimed to be the uberFemme. I'm not and will never be.

But that doesn't make me a man, and god damnit right now I just wish I could be. I want to hold her close to me and feel her hair tickle my nose as I breath in and inhale her musky earthy scent. I want to stroke her smooth hips with my fingertips as I feel her fall asleep next to me.

Instead I lie in our marital bed cold and alone, sure in the knowledge that when she returns in the coming weeks that my life will never again resume it's path. That stream has jumped it's bed, and flows wild and untamed across the landscape of my soul, wreaking havoc as it goes. I have to prepare the second bedroom so that when she returns I can move into there.

I don't want to.
Oh goddess I don't want to.

Why can't I just be normal for once? Why cant I just be happy with who and what I am, and take what luck and providence has brought me? How can I ever have the strength to sign divorce papers when I want to do anything but?

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polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
polerin

November 2009

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