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Robert Stanley McCargar
May. 24th, 2009 01:44 amOne of the costs of being trans is that you sometimes loose those you love, or at least loose time with them. The only person in my world who doesn't know I transitioned is my grandfather, one of the men I respect the most in the world. One of the people with which I've had the least communication over the past two years.
I got my dry sense of humor from him, my love of backgammon, of stories. He was the grandparent that I was the closest too of all of them, and I found out today his doctors think he had a mini-stroke. He's still alive, but he wasn't doing too well even before this event. It's not going to be much longer even if he recovers directly from it.
Prior to this I've stayed away from him, as much as it hurts, because I thought that was the wishes of my family... not to add this stress to his life. I don't think he'd have that much of an issue with it.. he was an amazingly progressive person for his age. My dad told me today that he thinks that my granddad would want to see me before he goes regardless of any of it, but I don't have the money or time to do it because of a fucked up confluence of events.
I don't mean to blame my lack of writing or calling on my being trans. It's not just that, I suck pretty badly at communicating with people in long form, and because he's not exactly on instant message, that's the really only way of of talking with him unless I go up there.
I just miss my granddad. I miss the way he looks at you over his glasses with that too serious to be serious look, to tell you something. I miss his stories, even if I've heard some of them before. I miss the fact that you always look to the root causes, tried to understand the whys and the hows, not just the what's. I miss his absurd snow white handlebar mustache, and the wry grin that goes under it.
I'm sure you can tell there's no particular point to this entry, I just thought the world should know about the first liberal in my family. May I be as brave as he, may I seek out the voices of others as much as he, and may he live for many more years, long enough for me to see him again.
I know you miss Grandma something fierce, but we still love you and need you here.
I got my dry sense of humor from him, my love of backgammon, of stories. He was the grandparent that I was the closest too of all of them, and I found out today his doctors think he had a mini-stroke. He's still alive, but he wasn't doing too well even before this event. It's not going to be much longer even if he recovers directly from it.
Prior to this I've stayed away from him, as much as it hurts, because I thought that was the wishes of my family... not to add this stress to his life. I don't think he'd have that much of an issue with it.. he was an amazingly progressive person for his age. My dad told me today that he thinks that my granddad would want to see me before he goes regardless of any of it, but I don't have the money or time to do it because of a fucked up confluence of events.
I don't mean to blame my lack of writing or calling on my being trans. It's not just that, I suck pretty badly at communicating with people in long form, and because he's not exactly on instant message, that's the really only way of of talking with him unless I go up there.
I just miss my granddad. I miss the way he looks at you over his glasses with that too serious to be serious look, to tell you something. I miss his stories, even if I've heard some of them before. I miss the fact that you always look to the root causes, tried to understand the whys and the hows, not just the what's. I miss his absurd snow white handlebar mustache, and the wry grin that goes under it.
I'm sure you can tell there's no particular point to this entry, I just thought the world should know about the first liberal in my family. May I be as brave as he, may I seek out the voices of others as much as he, and may he live for many more years, long enough for me to see him again.
I know you miss Grandma something fierce, but we still love you and need you here.
