(no subject)

[polerin]

I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the things I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

It's cold.  I'm sleeping on my couch again tonight, and I will be for awhile it seems.  The tax return isn't enough to buy a new bed for lissa, so I won't be getting the old one.  So much of "our" stuff is her stuff, because I bought it for her.  I'm just now realizing really how much I don't have.  A beat up old laptop, a stereo system, my books, two cheap bookcases, one good one, the table my parents gave me, and the two peices of furniture that my grandfather gave me.

I feel drained and empty.  Lissa wants to sell the house and move out, get away from me and all the memories that I cause her to have.  I'm never going to be with her again.  I know that now, and it hurts.  My ring finger feels very very empty, the symbolic loss of the sheild maiden that fought at my side over obsticles that at the time loomed so high as  to block out the sun.  My angel to swim with me, gleaming blue eyes fearless and without hesitation.

Now all I see gleam in those eyes is pain and tears, as she tells me that my very existance in her vincinty hurts her.  I don't know how much longer she'll even want to try to be my friend in the long run, everything is disintegrating so fast that I can't get a handle on anything and I can't  sleep, but I'm having trouble staying awake.

I go back to work tomorrow.  I wonder what that will be like after last night icy rain and snow.  Probibly hectic, damnit.  I just want to crawl under the desk and  make the world dissapear.

Comments

:-/

[(Anonymous)]

I'll always be by your side and help you fight if you need me to...

I do love you and always will. Please don't forget that. I'm sorry for everything.

I love you.

-Lissa

Re: :-/

[eclexia.livejournal.com]

I don't want you to be sorry love. I want you to be happy. I talked with you tonight about how I have the messiah complex, needing to save someone, even if it's at the sacrifice of myself. I can't be what you need, and I can't save you, but if I can't do either, I just want to make sure you know that you ARE a beautiful person, and that you can be happy. I know this isn't easy for you either.