polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?
-langston hughes

This has been my favorite poem for years (followed closely by Yeats-"The Second Comeing".) The deceptively simple and sparse lines are beautifully crafted, their tempo rolling off of the tounge in a slow fall, as if hesitant to show themself for fear of what they might reveal.

I've always looked at it in a social level, brushing on the personal only when I considered personal dreams crushed by culture's weight. I think this is really because I first read this poem at a time in my life where I had no dreams really, no longterm asperations other than to know myself and make others happy, to help fufill others dreams.

In a few years, I met Melissa while looking for someone who needed my help and who completed me. I didn't know that's what I was looking for, but it was. She blew into my life like a redheaded whirlwind, sweeping me up in her turbulent beautiful passion, giving me purpose and drive to actually DO. For 6 years I stood side by side with her, supporting her as she supported me, sharing the deepest secrets of each others souls. When I told her I was trans almost 3 years ago, I put Melissa's life on hold, and her dreams were stopped in their tracks. I hoped that the dreams that she had given me over the years would be close enough for her that she could find herself in them, but this wasn't the case.

Now, probably 15 years after I first read this poem, I have my second full revelation about it. Not only is it a poem about a people, it is a poem about a person, every person. Dreams aren't just what you do or want to do with your life, they are part and parcel of how you live your life and how you love someone. My dreams of a faimly with Melissa wont' ever come true, so I have to put them aside now. I don't know how to do that, but I think I must learn, or do what Melissa has done to herself for the past 3 years... what I have done to her.

The problem with dreams is that everyone has them.. and they can't all come true.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
How do you step aside and watch someone you've loved and held close to your chest for the past 6 years fall head over heels for someone else?
I'm sitting here as Lissa becomes more and more involved with someone from the net, and not being honest with herself about it. Or not being honest with me about it. I don't know what to think or how to think about it. The things she used to tell me, she now tells him. The games that she used to play with me, she now plays with him, and when we talk, he's all she can talk about. I know that I am not her spouse any more, that she doesn't want me to be in her life in this manner, but I don't know how to just stand back and let someone else win her heart. I want her to be happy, but jealousy rears it's green scaily head when someone else comes a'knocking and she answers with a smile.

The worst part is I understand why she is gravitating towards him... he's alot like me.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
It's all over except for the fanfare. My wife of 1 year, and partner of 6 wants to draw up the papers as quick as possible. Not because she hates me, not because of anything other then the fact that I cannot be a man, and so I cannot provide her with the dream of a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a loving *husband*. I feel so lost right now, I don't know what to do. I love her with all of my heart, and I'm not trying to imply that this is easy for her... its' not.

I just want to hold her and make it all better, to feel her breathing next to me as I fall asleep knowing that the woman I love loves me back and cares and wants me to be in her life as her partner. I think that last thing is really the crux of the matter... I am glad she doesn't want me to leave, and to never see her again. I'm glad that I can still be in her life, be her friends and help her with her problems, but none of that has the same feeling of unity that was the hallmark of who WE were as a couple. Even up to the last, we were in lockstep in every decision we made except for my transitioning, we fit hand in glove and worked so well togeather.

Some of that will remain as we go forwards as friends, but some of that through necessity will have to change. I dedicated my life to her. Literally. I lived for her, every breath, every movement. You might say that is unhealthy, but it wasn't that kind of thing. I did not ignore myself or what I needed to do, rather those became part of my purpose. When I held her hands in mine and spoke the words that bound myself to her by law, it was a re-affermation of who I had been for the past 5 years.

I love you Melissa, and I will never ever ever ever stop loving you. No matter the passage of time, Part of my heart will always remain with you. Time will heal and cover up parts of this, but that one fact will never change. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, in mind, body, and soul. I have not even really looked at another woman since I met you, and I don't know that I ever will.

But as stupid and crazy as it is, I can't help but hold the hope that you will learn to love me as a woman once the pain of loosing me as a man has ebbed. I promise that I will never hurt you, and I promise I will never force you to have to turn me down, but for now I will wait here paitently hoping that your travels will bring you unexpectidly back home to the place you never though your heart would rest again.

P.S. you can't keep me from buying you a valentines teddy bear either so :PPPP to you.


polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)

November 2009

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