polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
I have a good bad habit. I make eye contact with EVERYONE. I like makeing people smile or at least acknowledge that there is someone around. I also tend to dislike talking when I do so as the day to day, "How yah doin?" "Not to bad, yourself?" exchanges annoy me. In lew of the plesantries, I grin or make a slight face that contains the same information. Not great way to avoid noitice, but hey.

This morning Lissa was feeling under the weather, so I went to the gas station to pick up some ice cream and soda for her before I went to work. As I was walking back to the car, the female attendant who was taking a break outside the door walks up and made a comment that really made my day, "I hope you don't take offense, but you are too pretty to be a guy."

After I blinked for a second and grinned she stumbled on, "I meen, if I didn't know you, I would have thought, I meen you've got really pretty eyes for a guy, and you've just got that baby face that's soft." I assured her that I took it as a compliment and we talked for a little bit. I've heard the bit about my eyes many times before, well back to when I was a kid, but the rest of it almost made my heart explode with supprize, joy, and fear.

Later in the day while I was talking to one of our IT guys, someone from marketing came up to ask him a question. I swear that as she was greating me, she couldn't look away from my chest. I think I got read.... in reverse.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that there will be rumors started about me before I come out, and that it will make it that much harder to come out successfully. I need to get moving on some of the surounding things in my transition, like voice, makeup knowledge, pure confidence while in girl mode, name change stuff, everything.

I need some kind of hard timeline, and it's hard to talk about it with Lissa because she is already feeling like she's left out of the decision process, and that things are rushing ahead without her. She's told me she can't give voice to the things she's got a problem with, what she needs to feel comfortable, because she doesn't know how to even formulate them in her head.

Recently the closet has gotten really small, and with lots of sharp edges and dangerous rusty objects to stub my toe on. I feel like everyone can see right through this guy facade, and that I can't put up the girl image well enough yet either. I just want to get this over with so I can go on with my life.

YES, I'M Transgendered!
YES, I'm not Normal!
YES, I'm OK with that!

I'm so tired of not being me. I'm so tired of hiding anywhere that's not home. I want to be me, and I'm less and less afraid of the backlash at work. My work sucks anyway, and the last things that were giving me hope there were violently ripped away on monday. I found out that the job I had been fighting for them to create for me was created, posted, and they are doing interviews. Nobody even told me.

I'm so tired of this. It is stressing me out so much, I just want to come out. I want to come in, type out an email to the entire department, and tell them that I am coming to work as Erin tomorrow, see you then.


**sighs**
But I'm not going to. The day isn't far off though where I will be coming to work as Erin. I can't take much more of this half life, shadowed and hiding behind the now tattered posterboard of my male persona, literally hunched and darting parinoid glances around.

Coming out

Apr. 5th, 2006 03:55 pm
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
I came out to one of my coworkers last night. It's funny how people give you reasons they didn't suspect... his was that I know more about TCP/IP than anyone in the room.... Heh.
polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
If you haven't read the first post I recommend doing so because this one will make more sense.

I went through that entire morning blissfully happy. I went to the consultation visit I had set up with the laser hair removal specialist and back with no incidents, and only vaguely happy thoughts really running through my head. This lasted for several hours until I called my dad to check and see if the plans for a family dinner were still on. While I had come out to both of my parents and my sister almost a year ago, they were not aware that I had gone on hormones, or was even close to doing so. I planned on telling them that night, but because my dad had something else come up the dinner was off.

Long story short I made a mistake and ended up having to tell him and my mother over the phone that I had started taking hormones the day before, which was NOT my plan. Dinner was put on hold indefinitely, and my dad called me the next day and told me that he didn't want to see me any more and that he might be able to talk to me on phone or on the computer.

To say this hurts is an understatement. I've always liked my mom, and I was with her more than my dad during my early years, but my dad really had the formative role in major parts of my psyche, including those about responsibility and caring and duty to your family, understanding and cherishing of differences in others, and many other liberal concepts. Not only did he hurt me by turning his back on me, he doubled that pain by making a lie out of everything he had taught me over the years.

I understand that this is a painful thing to him. According to him I can't imagine what is going through his head. Well he's WRONG. It's going through mine too. He was my idol for so long, there are so many things about him that I loved and cherished and did my BEST to exemplify in my own life, and which he told me he was proud of me for. And now he has turned all of that to ashes in my mouth because I'm not who he thought he was raising. Every thing I have striven for, to eliminate prejudice and hatred from my heart, to love everyone around me to the fullest extent I can, everything I live for still, he made as NOTHING.

He may have lost his son, I lost my father, and found he may never have truly been.

How does this hurt me less then him?

Anyway, this has degenerated into a rant.

Hormones wise, my chest became sore on the 3rd day. I didn't think anything of it that day, but it has remained sore since then, which leads me to believe that my body is already reacting to the hormones. I don't know if this is truly the case as most people say it took theirs 2-4 weeks to start getting sore, but as with everything hormone related, YMMV. Lissa took some baseline measurements on monday, but we took some more tonight (err... Wednesday night....) and it looked like I had gained a half inch. I'm betting this is because I'm gaining weight in general to swivel chair spread, and through variance in measurement types. There is NO way that I truly gained a half inch in chest this quickly.

I'm going to go roller blading when I wake up... I need to start getting some kind of exercise... this office job is great, but my general physical health is suffering from it.

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polerin: My shadow on a wall (Default)
polerin

November 2009

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